


Why Is The Sky Blue?

by all-or-nothing-baby (BundleOfSoy)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (but I digress), (like a lot), (okay we all do), (that Dean wants to run his fingers through), Anger Hiding Pain, Because He Doesn't Think Cas Loves Him Back, Castiel's Eyes (Supernatural), Castiel's Tan Trenchcoat (Supernatural), Castiel's Unruly Hair, Dean Sees Cas In Everything, Dean Sees Every One Of Cas' Fuck-ups As Cas Leaving Him, Dean Winchester Has Abandonment Issues, Dean Winchester Has Anger Issues, Dean Winchester Has Issues, Dean Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues, Dean Winchester Has Trust Issues, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester's Shitty Coping Mechanisms, Dean lashing out, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Food Issues, He's Just In Pain, I'm Shouting For The Writers..., M/M, POV Dean, POV Dean Winchester, Poor Castiel (Supernatural), Poor Dean Winchester, THAT@S CALLED BEING IN LOVE, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Winchester (Supernatural) Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:22:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21979537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BundleOfSoy/pseuds/all-or-nothing-baby
Summary: Dean's sharpens his keen-edged hunter's exterior with hate... But he's simply sheltering a sad and broken soul; one desperate for the angel he's driven away, to come back home.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 35





	Why Is The Sky Blue?

**Author's Note:**

> Dean is wearing his "Like I Give A Shit" hat. You know the one that's covered in pure bull? Yeah, that one.
> 
> This is absolutely NOT Cas hate btw. Just Dean trying to cope with the way his anger often makes terrible moves on the chessboard that is his and Cas' relationship.

Fuck him. Fuck Cas.

Fuck him and his stubborn-ass attitude. Fuck his über-earnest bullshit and his  _ Hello, Dean.  _ Fuck him. Fuck his  _ I always try to do the right thing _ —'cause what fucking use is it when it ain't ever the right fucking thing? Fuck. Him.

Jesus, all those times...

  
  
  
  


_ Bailing after Sam saved us from the end of the world _

_ Pulling Sam from the pit, leaving him soulless and me alone in the dark _

_ Choosing Crowley over us, over me _

_ Betraying my trust to become an omnipotent dick _

_ Releasing Leviathan and leaving me to think he was dead _

_ Running off with the goddamn bees instead of staying and helping me _

_ Abandoning me in Purgatory, then letting me go _

_ Trusting Naomi and not me _

_ Running out on me to choose Metatron _

_ Running out on me by saying fucking yes to Lucifer _

_ Running out on me for Kelly _

_ Running out on me for Jack _

_ Running out on me for Belphegor _

_ Running out on me _

  
  
  
  


...And I mean, my Mom died because he didn't trust me.  _ My Mom fucking died _ . Again. All because Cas… 'cause Cas didn't believe in me.

So yeah, I reminded him. Reminded him of those times he wronged me, all the times he left me. I told it like it is and what did the fucker do with it? He left. Cas up and left, big fucking surprise.

I know he's gone for good this time—and if I'm honest for a hot minute? Don't really blame him. I'm an asshole. But I said that shit to hurt him 'cause _I_ was hurting. Don't mean I actually mean any of it. I pushed, hard, to see if he'd stay or go... and he went. He left me. _Cas left me_. I know I ain't worth staying for but how could he fucking leave me? Like, it's not as if I don't know how much he's done for us— _for me_ —course I know. I know that every single time he's gone and fucked up, it's always with good intentions. Also know I fuck up too, a lot. Hell, we all do. But me? I know I'm the worst, I get it. I know ain't got the right. But I was... hurting. I _am_ hurting. I hurt so bad now he's gone I can hardly fucking breathe. Longing? Shit, that's—it don't cover it. Is there a word for _a hundred thousand times more intense than overwhelming loss?_ This is worse than when he was dead 'cause this time, Cas is _choosing_ not to be here. Want him back so much I wanna puke; feel sick from dawn till frickin dusk. And I keep seeing him, everywhere… every time I clock a shock of dark hair or tan coat; anytime I hear a voice anywhere close to velvet rubbed over sandpaper; whenever I see blue. I MEAN, THE GODDAMN SKY IS BLUE FOR FUCKS SAKE. The hell am I supposed to do with _that?_

I guess I'm Dean Winchester so I'm supposed to keep on keepin' on, that's what. Just get on with it. Keep truckin', you know? Keep workin' and keep eating trash like I'm a goddamn human trash can. 'Cause I don't know  _ how _ to mourn or grieve something, never been given even half a chance to try. Just gotta keep going. Stay angry. Anger works because it's better than desperation. Can't do that, the breaking apart. Can't afford to. Gotta crack on and hate hard on Cas or my heart'll break so hard that I'll die.

So.

Fuck him. Fuck Cas.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Please leave kudos if you liked this piece (and on any piece of anybody's work). And feel free to comment, too... feedback is always welcome : )
> 
> Find me @all-or-nothing-baby on Tumblr
> 
> Lucy <3


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